its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize