I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
