the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
