remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
