i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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