Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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