new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
