God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize