I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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