He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize