I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
