Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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