The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
