The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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