I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
