I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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