I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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