I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize