I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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