My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
