I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
