Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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