if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
