Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
