I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
