remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
