I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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