2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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