So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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