Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize