Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
my poor anus
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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