Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
