you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
