i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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