I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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