Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she looked like the before picture.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I am available for nakedness
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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