Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
