I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize