Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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