I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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