I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sorry about my life...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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