My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
