so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
