You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
