i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
