Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
