if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
