I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
