hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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