a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
BRING THE BAGELS
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
