I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
