I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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