just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
smell my finger.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
