I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
