I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
