so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
