What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
