from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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