I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
