I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
