The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
