Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
