The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
