So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
