I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
